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Adam Kootman

Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT)

Adult Assessment Support Specialist — Late-Identified AuDHD Adults

At a Glance

 

  • Autistic and ADHD (AuDHD). Diagnosed in his late 30s.

  • By then he had been married, become a father, divorced, and spent years in therapy, still without the right words

  • Knows the relief of a late diagnosis. And the strange work of re-reading your whole life afterward.

  • Spent years treating his own traits as proof he needed to try harder

  • Masked for years and looked like he was handling it, including through more than a decade as a professional musician

  • Mentors neurodivergent young adults on executive functioning, self-advocacy, and work

  • Couples therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy. Helps partners understand what a diagnosis changes.

  • LGBTQ+ affirming. Neurodiversity-affirming.

I Got My Answer in My Late 30s

 

I was diagnosed with AuDHD in my late 30s.

 

By then, I had already been in a relationship for more than 15 years, gotten married, become a father, gone through a divorce, started over, dated again, and spent years in therapy trying to understand myself.

 

A lot of honest work happened in those years. Nobody had named the thing underneath it.

 

Maybe that's where you are. You've been functioning. You may even look successful. But the explanations you were given never quite fit.

What the Diagnosis Changed

 

The diagnosis gave me language for things I had spent years judging myself for. Impulsivity. Hyperfocus. Sensory sensitivity. Feeling things intensely. Getting emotionally overwhelmed. Masking. Forgetting something I genuinely cared about because my attention had gone somewhere else.

 

For years, I had treated many of those things as evidence that I needed to try harder.

 

The diagnosis helped me start asking a different question.

 

What if understanding my brain was more useful than constantly fighting it?

 

It didn't make the hard parts go away. It gave them context.

 

Context is where self-compassion starts.

Looking Fine

 

I was always told I was sensitive. The message I absorbed was simple: toughen up.

 

So I tried.

 

I learned to look confident, capable, and not too affected by things. I got good at adapting to whatever a situation seemed to require. I spent more than a decade as a professional musician and composer. Albums. Tours. Music for film, television, and advertising.

 

From the outside, it looked like I was handling it.

 

That's one reason adults like me get missed. People see the compensation, not the cost. Rejection sensitivity looks like taking things personally. Overwhelm looks like moodiness. Forgetting looks like not caring. Masking looks like being fine.

Re-Reading Your Own Life

 

One of the strangest parts of a late diagnosis is going back over your history with new eyes.

 

When I looked back at my long-term relationship, I could see neurodivergence showing up long before I had language for it. Forgetting something could become much bigger than the forgotten thing. Getting emotionally overwhelmed could turn into shutting down.

 

That kind of re-reading can bring relief and grief at the same time. Relief that there was a reason. Grief for the years spent blaming yourself, or being blamed.

 

Both are normal. We make room for both. Then you decide what to do with what you now know.

Before, During, and After Assessment

 

My role is therapeutic support around the assessment process.

 

Why are you asking the question? What are you hoping an answer will change? What does it mean once you have one?

 

Some adults wonder if they're "allowed" to claim a word for their experience. Some worry they're just making excuses. Some arrive with a fresh diagnosis and no idea what to do next. Some want to know how it changes their marriage, their parenting, or their work.

 

We take it one piece at a time.

 

Being AuDHD gives me lived experience with neurodivergence, but it does not mean I know what your autism or ADHD feels like. There is no single ADHD experience or autistic experience.

 

I know my brain. My job is to get curious about yours.

Life After the Answer

 

An answer is a beginning.

 

After a diagnosis, a lot of the work is practical. Building systems that work with your brain. Reading your own signals before you hit overload. Figuring out where masking protects you, and where it just costs you.

 

I also mentor neurodivergent young adults on executive functioning, self-advocacy, and confidence at work. I bring that practical side into therapy, along with the deeper emotional work.

 

For many adults, the biggest changes show up at home. A partner finally understands that forgetting wasn't a lack of caring. That needing space wasn't rejection. As a couples therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy, I can help with that part too.

Who I Work With

 

  • Adults wondering whether they might be autistic, ADHD, or AuDHD

  • Late-identified adults, diagnosed or self-identified

  • High-masking adults whose struggles were missed because they looked fine

  • Adults working through the relief and grief of a late diagnosis

  • Adults with ADHD who are tired of being told to "just try harder"

  • Partners and couples figuring out how a diagnosis changes their relationship

  • Parents exploring their own neurodivergence

  • Creative professionals and performers

  • LGBTQ+ adults

What to Expect in Session

 

Sessions are conversational and collaborative. We go at your pace.

 

I'll ask specific questions. I'll listen to how you actually answer them. If you need time to think, take it.

 

Movement, fidgeting, less eye contact, and written summaries are all welcome.

 

You don't need a formal diagnosis to work with me. You don't need to have it figured out. Curiosity is enough to start.

 

Understanding my neurodivergence helped me stop asking, "What is wrong with me?" and start asking, "What is actually happening here?"

Training and Education

 

Education:

  • M.A. in Clinical Psychology, Marriage and Family Therapy emphasis, Pepperdine University (Academic Honors, 2026)

  • B.A. in Psychology, California State University, Northridge

  • A.A. in Psychology, Santa Monica College

 

Training:

  • Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy (EFIT) Essentials 1 & 2, International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT)

  • Attachment and ADHD: How ADHD Traits Shape Attachment Bonds in Couples, LA-CAMFT

  • Taking a Sexual History: Unlocking a Client's Past, Los Angeles County Psychological Association

  • Sexuality After an Affair, Los Angeles County Psychological Association

  • Dream Analysis: Jungian Origins and Clinical Application, LA-CAMFT

  • Cultural Competency in Dementia Care

 

Clinical experience: Individual, couples, and group therapy with adults across private practice and community mental health settings, including an adult day program and counseling center supporting adults and older adults through anxiety, depression, grief, life transitions, and cognitive change. Mentor and employment specialist for neurodivergent young adults, supporting executive functioning, self-advocacy, emotional regulation, and confidence at work.

 

Approaches: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT and EFIT), attachment-based therapy, psychodynamic and person-centered therapy, and trauma-informed care, with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and motivational interviewing when they fit

 

Before therapy: More than a decade as a professional musician, songwriter, and composer, including four full-length albums, U.S. tours, and music for film, television, and advertising

 

Professional memberships: International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT); American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT); California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT); Los Angeles County Psychological Association (LACPA)

 

Affirming care: LGBTQ+ affirming and neurodiversity-affirming

 

 

Specialty Areas

 

Neurodiverse Couples | Adult Assessment Support | Late-Identified Adults | AuDHD | Adult ADHD | Autistic Adults | Masking and Unmasking | Rejection Sensitivity | Sensory Sensitivity | Relief and Grief After Diagnosis | Executive Functioning | Relationships After Diagnosis | Creative Professionals | LGBTQ+ Affirming Care

 

 

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