"I Swear I Like You": Why Autism Keeps Getting Mistaken for "Antisocial"

Have you ever been told you're antisocial because you don't enjoy social gatherings? Or been described as aloof. Standoffish. Snobby. A loner.

These labels are common, but they don't accurately reflect what research tells us about autism.

More importantly, they often miss what's actually happening. Because many autistic people want connection. They want friendship. They want to belong.

The problem isn't a lack of interest in other people.

It's that social interaction can be exhausting, overwhelming, unpredictable, or difficult to navigate, especially in environments that weren't designed with autistic nervous systems in mind.

And when you're autistic, being perceived as "standoffish" can be painful. Not because you're trying to keep people away. But because your communication style, body language, facial expressions, or social needs may be interpreted through a neurotypical lens that wasn't built to understand them.

Autism is not the same thing as being antisocial.

Antisocial means avoiding or disregarding other people.

Autism is socially different.

And that difference is often mistaken for disinterest, arrogance, or rejection.

For many autistic people, the gap between how they intend to come across and how others perceive them has cost far more friendships than their personality ever did.

First, Let's Get Rid Of the Word "Antisocial"

Quick clinical note, because words matter and you're smart.

In psychology, "antisocial" has an actual meaning, and it refers to a disregard for other people's rights and feelings. That’s the opposite of most autistic people, who tend to feel others' pain intensely, follow rules to the letter, and lie awake replaying a conversation from 2009.

So when someone calls you "antisocial," they almost never mean the clinical thing. They mean you didn't perform sociability the way they expected. Those are not the same. One is about not caring. The other is about caring, getting tired, and showing it differently.

The Myth: "Autistic People Don't Want Connection"

For a long time, science got this wrong. An old theory assumed autistic people were simply less interested in other people. That the social distance was a lack of desire.

Newer, better research has dismantled this. A systematic review of studies on loneliness in autistic adults found that autistic people deeply desire social connection. But they face real barriers to getting it. The distance isn’t about disinterest. 

And what about loneliness? One study of autistic adults discovered that loneliness was linked to higher depression and anxiety and lower self-esteem.

While having genuine friendships protected against all three.

You can't be lonely about something you don't want. The ache itself is proof of the longing.

The Double Empathy Problem: It's a Translation Error, Not a Defect

So if autistic people want connection, why is it so hard?

A theory called the Double Empathy Problem flips what we’ve been told: that our social skills are “wrong”. It argues that communication breaks down because autistic and neurotypical people have two different, equally valid communication styles, and the misunderstanding runs both directions. It's not that you can't communicate. It's that two operating systems are trying to sync.

And there's a beautiful experiment that proves it. Researchers ran a "telephone game," passing a story down a chain of people. Autistic-to-autistic chains shared information just as accurately as neurotypical-to-neurotypical chains. The breakdown only happened in mixed chains and the rapport ratings dropped there too. 

This suggests that your social skills aren't the problem. Put you in a room with people who share your wiring, and the "deficit" vanishes. You're not bad at connecting. You've been connecting across a translation gap your whole life.

Why the "Aloof" Label Sticks: You're Being Judged in Milliseconds

Here's the most validating piece of research I know, and I want you to keep it in your back pocket forever.

Researchers showed neurotypical people brief clips of autistic adults and asked for first impressions. The autistic adults were rated as more awkward and less likeable and observers were less willing to interact with them. It happened within seconds, and more exposure didn't fix it.

But here's the twist that changes everything. When observers were given transcripts of what those same autistic people said just the words, no face, no voice, no movement, the bias disappeared. People liked them.

So the "antisocial" read was never about you, your substance, or your warmth. It was about style — the pacing of your speech, your eye contact, the way you move. People judged the wrapping and never opened the gift.

You weren't rejected for who you are. You were rejected for a split-second snap-judgment that had nothing to do with who you are.

What It Looks Like vs. What's Actually Happening

This is where the misreads pile up. Same moment, two completely different stories.

What it looks like to them:

• You leave early → "They didn't want to be here."

• You go quiet in the group → "They're bored or judging us."

• You skip the phone call → "They're avoiding me."

• Your face is flat → "They're cold."

• 
  

What's actually happening inside you:

• Leaving early → "I'm at zero. If I stay, I'll melt down, and I'd rather leave while I still love everyone."

• Going quiet → "There are four conversations at once and my brain is buffering."

• Skipping the call → "Phone calls are sensory chaos. I'll send a paragraph at midnight that proves I adore you."

• Flat face → "I'm listening so hard that I forgot to run my face."
  

Neither of you is the villain here. It's a dynamic between two nervous systems speaking different dialects of "I care."

How to Be Understood Without Performing

You don't have to fake extroversion to be known. You just have to translate.

1. Pre-translate your wiring. Tell people the rules before the misread happens. "I love deep one-on-ones and I'm useless in big groups." "If I go quiet, I'm overwhelmed, not upset." You're handing them the decoder ring.

2. Name the early exit in advance. "I'm so happy to be here, and I'll probably need to duck out around 8 — that's my battery, not you." Said upfront, it lands as honesty instead of rejection.

3. Connect on your terms, not theirs. The research shows autistic friendships often run on shared interests and side-by-side activities rather than face-to-face small talk (Grace et al., 2022). A three-hour deep dive about your special interest is intimacy. Build friendships in that shape.

4. Find your neurotype. If conversation flows easier with certain people, that's not a coincidence — that's the double empathy effect working for you (Crompton et al., 2020). Seek out other neurodivergent folks. "Within neurotype ease" is a real, measurable relief.

5. Stop auditioning for people who only read the trailer. Some people will never get past the thin-slice judgment. That's their bias, not your worth. Spend your limited social battery on the ones who read the transcript.

You Were Never the Cold One

If you've spent your life being called distant while privately loving people with an intensity that scares you, please hear this:

You are not antisocial. You are differently social, in a world that mistook your dialect for disinterest.

The exhaustion was real. The longing was real. And the warmth that nobody seemed to see? That was real too. It was there the whole time. The world was just reading the wrong channel.

You don't have to keep auditioning for connection. You can build a life full of people who speak your language.

If you're starting to wonder whether this is you, a screener can be a gentle first step. The Ritvo Autism & Asperger Diagnostic Scale (RAADS-14) or the Autism Spectrum Quotient (AQ) are illuminating places to begin. You may also want to take our Camouflaging Screener (CAT-Q) to assess your level of masking.

And if you're tired of being mistranslated, our team of neurodiversity-affirming clinicians at the Adult Autism Assessment Center would love to meet you, the real, warm, deeply-feeling you. You can book a free consultation with any of us anytime.

Our clinic She Rocks The Spectrum is centered around women and girls, while our clinic Therapy 4 Autistic Men is focused on men and boys.

Warmly,

Michelle Karth, PhD, PhD Behavioral Neuroscience 

Autism Advocate 

Scientific Advisor Adult Autism Assessment Center

Science Resources

References

Crompton, C. J., Ropar, D., Evans-Williams, C. V. M., Flynn, E. G., & Fletcher-Watson, S. (2020). Autistic peer-to-peer information transfer is highly effective. Autism, 24(7), 1704–1712. [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7545656/] 

Grace, K., Remington, A., Lloyd-Evans, B., Davies, J., & Crane, L. (2022). Loneliness in autistic adults: A systematic review. Autism, 26(8), 2117–2135. [https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/13623613221077721] 

Mazurek, M. O. (2014). Loneliness, friendship, and well-being in adults with autism spectrum disorders. Autism, 18(3), 223–232. [https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361312474121] 

Milton, D. E. M. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: The 'double empathy problem'. Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887. [https://doi.org/10.1080/09687599.2012.710008] 

Sasson, N. J., Faso, D. J., Nugent, J., Lovell, S., Kennedy, D. P., & Grossman, R. B. (2017). Neurotypical peers are less willing to interact with those with autism based on thin slice judgments. Scientific Reports, 7, 40700. [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5286449/]