Desire Imbalance Map

Desire imbalance is rarely about love or attraction. More often it's about who reaches first, what each partner feels when reaching is (or isn't) returned, and what biology, mood, sensory load, and history are doing in the background. This worksheet maps the pattern so both partners can see it the same way.

Safety note: This worksheet is for consensual relationships where both partners can say yes, no, wait, or stop without punishment. Do not use this worksheet to pressure sexual activity. If there is fear, coercion, retaliation, active abuse, trauma flooding, pain, shutdown, or dissociation, pause and use this with a qualified therapist.

Fill out separately first. Each partner completes their own copy without seeing the other's. Compare in the next session, in writing, or with a therapist. Surprises are common — that's part of why this works.

1 — Who I am in this pattern

• [ ] I'm usually the higher-desire partner.
• [ ] I'm usually the lower-desire partner.
• [ ] It varies / it's shifted over time.

If it's shifted, when did the shift happen and what was happening then?

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2 — What initiation looks like for us right now

Who initiates? In what way? (words / touch / mood / nothing)

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How does the receiving partner usually respond?

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How often does sex actually happen vs. how often is it initiated?

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3 — What each of us feels

Be honest about your own side. The other partner will fill out theirs.

When I reach and it's returned, I feel

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When I reach and it's NOT returned, I feel

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When my partner reaches and I'm ready, I feel

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When my partner reaches and I'm NOT ready, I feel

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4 — What's driving my side of the pattern

Tick all that apply. Not all of these are relational.

• [ ] Hormones / life-stage shift
• [ ] Mood / depression / anxiety
• [ ] Medication effects (SSRIs, hormonal birth control, others)
• [ ] Stress, sleep loss, caregiver load
• [ ] Pain, pelvic floor, medical condition
• [ ] Trauma activation
• [ ] Sensory overload by bedtime
• [ ] Masking exhaustion
• [ ] RSD around partner's response
• [ ] Resentment, conflict, unrepaired hurt
• [ ] Lack of safety to be a beginner / awkward / unmasked
• [ ] Desire pattern (responsive desire that needs a runway)

Other drivers I notice

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5 — What would help

One thing I want my partner to do or stop doing

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One thing I'm willing to try myself

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The work: Rebalance initiation, even on a schedule. Both partners need to reach. The point is not 50/50 every time — it's that neither of you is doing all the reaching for years on end.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Sex and Intimacy, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. The intimacy session for a neurodiverse couple: what gets in the way, how to invite and say no, a touch card, and when to see a specialist.
• Sex and Intimacy, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Intimacy in a neurodiverse couple — spontaneous vs responsive desire, the sensory side of sex, why pressure backfires, and how to design it together.
• Sex and Intimacy, from The Neurodivergent Brain. Sex and intimacy for neurodivergent bodies: sensory load, masking, direct communication, and consent.